Write Your Own Nicholas Sparks Novel!

Let's face it: when Hollywood finds a cow that produces they milk it until its dead on the ground. Like Nicholas Sparks for instance. This mediocre 44-year-old romance writer has spawned some of the most successful sap-fests in recent Hollywood history. Everyone cried in A Walk to Remember, and The Notebook is notoriously tissue-worthy. But I'm starting to get bored. Super bored, in fact. Miley Cyrus can do that to you...

8 Easy Steps to Writing a Nicholas Sparks Novel

1. There must be young-people in love. Or old-people in love. Or both

2. Society won't like it. A rich girl and a poor boy? That storyline is brand spankin' new!

3. Someone needs to die, be dying, or have some sort of incurable disease. This is a big thing for Nick. Seriously, in every single story someone has cancer, autism, dementia... you get the idea.

4. There must be an old house. It has a lot of history, and it might even be a fixer-upper. What a great thing to spend your dying days doing.

5. Someone needs to lose their virginity. Preferably the young-people in love.

6. It helps if in the film version, you cast a well-known pop sensation or American Sweetheart. It also helps if their names start with M. (Mandy Moore, Miley Cyrus, Rachel McAdams)

7. Beaches must be present and key parts of the story (if you're curious which books this is true for... its every single one).

8. Similar to the need for beaches in is the need for Carnivals. These are, apparently, the most romantic places in the world. In my experience toothless carnies spitting tobacco on you isn't really that romantic, but to each his own.

9. Letters, journals, etc should be written in copious amounts and left in bottles or in .... notebooks maybe? Or in songs? Last Songs perhaps?

See, now we can save poor Nick some time and write our very own novels for Hollywood to rip off and make millions off of.

Get crackin', readers!